Honey, we're out of eggs...

...or something like that!  I have started and restarted this post more times than I can count.  It is something that I am just now truly in a place where I feel comfortable sharing.  In the past week I have had several friends announce their pregnancies.  I'll be honest, this is always hard for me!  I am truly happy for them, but also a little OK, a lot sad.  Sad that I will never experience what they are experiencing. Sad that I won't hear a child's sweet voice say, "I love you, Mommy".  Sad that my parents won't be grandparents. Just sad.  So here goes...

Almost 10 years ago I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure.  We had been trying to have a baby for 2-3 years and decided that we would go see an endocrinologist to find out what the hold up was.  The outcome:  small ovaries and very few follicles.  My egg count was also way down. 

Whoa!!!!  How could this be?  I was only 33 years old and basically my body was going through menopause.  Sort of...I don't have any of the major menopause symptoms it's just that "aunt flo" doesn't visit on a regular basis.  Kind of nice when you're not trying to conceive a child...kind of sucky when you are.  At any rate, the doctor basically told me that it wasn't very likely that I would get pregnant on my own.  The next step was invitro and likely a donor egg. 

As this was a road that neither of us wanted to go down, we sat on this information for awhile.  Then we started to discuss adoption.  We filled out paperwork, went to meetings, but in the end that also wasn't meant to be.  While my husband was on board with a natural surprise pregnancy, he wasn't exactly comfortable with changing our entire lives on purpose.  I didn't want to move forward with something this life altering without his 100% full support.  I'm not saying that there weren't times I wanted to just charge ahead, but then I would always be reminded of what we have and I truly didn't want to jeopardize that.   

As I said before, it has taken me a long time to heal.  I have had the gamut of emotions.  I have questioned my faith.  I have doubted my own worthiness.  I have thought about what could have been.  I have regretted the decisions we made.  It's been a long road to say the least.  

Turns out, once I was done feeling worthless and sorry for myself, my life is better than I even imagined it could be.  I am married to my best friend and soul mate.  I have a job that I can't wait to go to every day.  I have a great family.  I have amazing friends who are like my 2nd family.  I am mom to many fur babies. And "mom" to countless kids I have had the privilege of teaching over the years.  I am truly blessed!